The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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