Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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