remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
