Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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