My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
