have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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