the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
