Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
