I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
