He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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