I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
