Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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