I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
