looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
