Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
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I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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