Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just pee around me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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