I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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