I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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