It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
