One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
