so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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