I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
