I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
