So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
