I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can't put those talents on a resume
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
