im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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