dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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