Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
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put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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