Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
