Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
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You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
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There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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