Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
