a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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