Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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