He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
