Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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