Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
