My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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