you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
