Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
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I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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