Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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