dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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