you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
