Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
