The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
