Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
