im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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