The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
