You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
