my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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