If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
