I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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