I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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