If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
