I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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