we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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