Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
