I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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