Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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